I've been encouraged for some time to write a book.  Some have said I should write about the trials and triumphs of dating as a woman, in her thirties, in the 21st century.  I have but one triumph...

...and many trials that seem to be a far enough distance back that I'm not sure I wish to conjure them up. 

My life has had some serious ups and downs.  Recently, the one thing that I have always been able to count on and upon which I have planted much of my self worth, my professional life, has almost crumbled before my eyes.  I'm beginning to believe that it's not possible to have all things going in the right direction at the right time.  Rather, life is a weather vane, spinning in whichever direction the wind blows it.  As humans, we have to be willing to spread our wings and fly, with the wind, not against it.

The recent questionable nature of my work has gotten me thinking about what I want to be when I grow up.  I purchased a camera about a year ago and have enjoyed taking photographs of friends and family.  I enjoy this and would prefer to keep it as a hobby rather than trying to make it into my livelihood.  So, I'm back to thinking about the book that my friends and family seem desperate to read.  And, I'm back to trying to decide what, exactly, is the mark I wish to leave on this world.

The things I know a great deal about:

1. Exercise
2. Heartache
3. Moods and emotions
4. Grant writing
5. More heartache
6. Finding quotes that inspire and explain many of life's mysteries
7. And, recently, shopping on Craigslist (I know, not really something to know about but since I spend a good portion of my spare time browsing, I figured I would add it to the list)

So, from this list I have determined that I could write a book about a woman who uses exercise to overcome heartache; writing a grant to obtain more money for shopping on Craigslist; a compilation of quotes about heartache; or (drumroll), how moods and emotions have impacted all other aspects of my life. This will, obviously, be an emotional journey for me.  However, I've always wanted to write a memoir and, while I'm not famous or important, I think that some of the issues I have dealt with and tackled are important.  We live in a world where things seem to be disposable.  But, the one thing you can't dispose of is your feelings.

...Cue some Madonna background music...
"Living in a disposable world and I am (not) a disposable girl."

The love and support of her family is most important. The drive to obtain this leaves her feeling more and more alone. There's a shell of independence that's been toughened by not hearing the things most desired. Perhaps the milesones in life aren't milestones that others view as important or praiseworthy. Sometimes getting out of bed seems praiseworthy. Growing up knowing she was loved and cared for, she did not have to worry about a roof over her head, food in her belly, or looking up in the stands and seeing a familiar face. It feels selfish to think that getting through what life has dealt is a major accomplishment. Some things are tackled alone, most often out of self-pity. During those times, the food needed in her belly was a shoulder to cry on and the roof needed over her head was the warmth from knowing that when she looked up in the stands during an emotionally challenging event, there would be a familiar face in the crowd. Things were provided but "things" don't help when all she wants is someone to listen.

Empathy waters the garden of friendship and love and it grows with each new experience. Sometimes staring at someone going through an unfamiliar experience conjures up fear and doubt about what to do, knowing that inexperience is a personal blessing. However, understanding and compassion fertilize the garden from which these flowers can bloom.

Choices

I've realized in the past couple months that blogging is somewhat therapeutic. I've realized this because 1. I haven't done any and 2. I've been a bit overwhelmed and overcome. Life is full of decisions that are made each day. The decisions I make today will impact tomorrow and the decisions I make tomorrow will impact the day after tomorrow. You get the picture.

"You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice." ~Steven D. Woodhull

I have spent many mornings in the past couple years struggling to get out of bed. The smiling thing is a bit different because I've become incredibly adept at smiling despite not really wanting to or in the midst of ignoring many things that are plaguing me. I thought, in general, that I was a happy person. However, I'm learning that the mind has a tremendous power to convince itself of things that may not be true, especially if these things are unpleasant.

So, I'm exploring the advice of Steven Woodhull and have realized that I have no clue whatsoever what choice has gotten me to this point and what "another choice" actually is. My best guess is that it's a combination of choices that have lead to the present.

My life has turned in this way or that (and at times I think I was a bit out of alignment). I'm still not sure that I want to chart my course now or just wait to see what life has in store.